Welcome to Fringebiscuit, home of the bite-sized theatre connoisseur, the mini critique du jour and nope, we’re not reading that whole programme, look at it. Massive. Instead, we’ve used our finely-honed critical instincts to identify the must-see shows of the Fringe based on their titles alone. Here goes:

A Young Man Dressed As A Gorilla Dressed As An Old Man Sits Rocking In A Rocking Chair For Fifty-Six Minutes And Then Leaves…

Gareth, dressed to the nines and freshly meditated, is clearly on his way to the wedding of an ex because of course, he WOULD be that messy. We’re bringing popcorn to this Sarah Kane rom-com. Go get ’em Gaz.

How to Poop in an Outhouse at -58°C

A Bear Grylls TedTalk we’d actually attend because this just seems like good information for the next time we’re stuck pants down, arse out in the Arctic. The more you know.

Stories From the Office of a Sex Dungeon

At first, we thought this was a staging of a little-known episode of Grand Designs. Then we realised—duh—the Sex Dungeon is sentient and writes a weekly column for The Guardian.

Nuns of Fury!

This adaptation of the hugely popular Nicolas Cage/Jason Statham movie—you remember—is obviously an instant recommendation. How they’ll stage the holy-water-meets-flamethrower showdown in the sacristy is anyone’s guess.

Still Searching For Sperm

We’ll admit, we weren’t fully on board at the beginning of this Sound of Music sequel. But Maria’s heart-wrenching journey into the world of DIY IVF following the brutal murder of Captain von Trapp and the children—see: Nuns of Fury!—is definitely Olivier-worthy.

A Man Proposes to a Balloon, or Possibly Something Worse

Spoiler: the balloon turns out to be his mother. We are already gagged by this top-tier, entirely nude adaptation of Oedipus Rex. A must-see (penis).

A Foot is Not an Appropriate Prize for the Tombola

Honestly, the interactive HR workshop we all needed because—not to call anyone out—some people have become extremely lazy with the Secret Santa gifts. You know who you are.

Anna Thomas: How to Juggle a Ferret

Should you? No. Unless Freddie The Ferret has a fetish and you owe him serious dough. This may be the Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels of our generation. Dare we say Anna Thomas is our Roman Empire? Yes. Yes, we do.

Five stars apiece. No further questions.

Editor’s Note: If actual shows differ from our descriptions, that sounds like a them problem.